But perhaps it was some sort of divine intervention, as 1/2 of Team TLSP ventured to Seguin, Texas for raw milk adventures and ended up finding kindred spirits.

Video footage forthcoming of the entire trip, but it started with a gaggle of giggly girls half-afraid MooJesus! was a cult (would we come back named MooLyssa, MooLisa, MooVeronica?). As we bump-bump-bumped down a dirt road past the first set of EverythingJesus! gates with giant iron crosses and then past a second, matching, gate, we joked that the road to Heaven sure is bumpy. Then we were inside, and signs pointed us to MooJesus! Nervously we got out and went inside a small house.

Inside, we were excitedly greeted by Pastor Gina, who as the matriarch of a multiple-generation family must be older than she looks. She was bringing in fresh lettuce from the garden. Sheldon, her sweet son close to our ages, brought us price lists for ordering the dairy products, and said he’d start us on dinner. Grandma was around too. The whole family was joyful, light of spirit.

It was a wonderful thing to experience, the radiant, shiny, unadulterated happiness that emanates from people who are truly content.

Sheldon spent much time talking with us, but not before he brought us these:

Whey-to-go drinks made of fresh pineapple, ginger, and whey. AWESOME!

While we perused the products (do I want whey? what is whey? I want buttermilk. What do I use buttermilk for? How much milk are you getting?), Sheldon began to urge us to eat more butter. Sheldon, we argued, we love butter! We eat Paleo, so we’re all about good fats. Naturally, this hurtled us into a nutrition conversation the likes of which few enjoy, but we simply ate (erm) up. Sheldon was well versed in Weston A. Price, handing us pamphlets, and also giving us book recommendations. We captured some of his opinions on film, but he got shy with the camera out.

He brought us bread and butter:

Easily my favorite part of the meal. The bread is of sprouted wheat, sprouted and ground right in their kitchen. The butter was rich, creamy, salty, sweet, light–in other words, amazing. The sprouted grain bread sent us off into a discussion about sprouted grains, what it does for your body, and if it’s Paleo or not. Sheldon launched into a long metaphor about mechanics, overalls, and tuxedos: the grain is like a mechanic wearing a tuxedo with overalls over it to cover the tux while he does the dirty work. But when you take off the overalls, a beautiful tuxedo is revealed. His main point was this: “Make sure you get the overall off, you want that tuxedo on your plate.”

Why yes, yes I do want a tuxedo on my plate.

A fresh salad with pomegranate balsamic dressing. Delish!

Gina brought us out dinner, a sprouted grain veggie patty served on a portabella mushroom cap with a side of ground beef and a dollop of avocado (for good fat).

Gotta love a place that serves ground beef as a side just because they want you to taste the happy cow. Pastor Gina says, “That’s fresh meat. I could tell you the name of the cow … nah, that’s too personal.” The beef was good, but the sprouted grain patty was really good. Of course, by now we’re totally stuffed because we’ve devoured whey drinks, yogurt (not pictured), bread, butter, and salad, but it was too good to listen to our bellies: we cleaned our plates. (Dinner: $20)

And then we waited while they prepared our orders. While we came for raw milk, I left with the milk, buttermilk (what DO I do with it?), whey, yogurt, butter, bread, sprouted grain flour, 5 pounds of ground beef, 2 pounds of brisket, and 1 1/2 pounds of tenderloin. And sans $154. But happy to be in with raw dairy for the next couple of weeks! My other team members ordered more meat, and a few other things–cheese, cream. Overall, we left with three GIANT boxes of loot.

As for our fears of being converted to EverythingJesus! religion? Completely unfounded. We prayed before dinner. Pastor Gina mentioned once, in all earnest excitement, that she thanks God for bringing us (three beautiful girls, thanks Pastor Gina!) to the ranch.

Pastor Gina told us a story about a group of underprivileged kids that came out to the ranch. She had all these educational activities planned but when she saw how excited they were just to be outside, she scrapped it all and just let them run around the ranch. Their supervisors were nervous, but Gina said they can’t hurt themselves, let them enjoy the land and explore on their own.

At its base, Gina’s actions are that of a generous parent, full of respect and trust for her children. But ultimately her actions are also a huge metaphor for religion, and I’d imagine the way she runs her church: bring the parishioners to (Moo)Jesus, and let them enjoy the land and explore on their own.

Bottom line: they won’t try to convert you, they’ll serve you an awesome meal, and you’ll walk away with 14 pounds of beef you didn’t know you needed, plus 3 gallons of milk products. Obviously a total win.

Insider tips:

1. Call Pastor Gina at (830)491-8557 to let her know you’re coming.
2. Order your goodies ahead by calling or emailing using their grocery list.
3. It’s about an hour and a half away. Enjoy a leisurely dinner. Plan accordingly.

MooJesus! at EverythingJesus! Ranch
12061 FM 466
Seguin, TX 78155

I now feel compelled to issue a disclaimer. But I’ll let you enjoy my excitement first … if you just want the disclaimer, scroll to the bottom.

I first stumbled upon these Fudge Babies on Chocolate-Covered Katie. She went on and on about them and how much everyone loves them and how easy to make they are and sinless … and I was kind of like, oh, shut up. But as the world turns, I am now going to turn around and do the same.

4 ingredients: walnuts (1 c.), dates (1 1/3 c.), cocoa (4T), vanilla (1t).

1 utensil: food processor, blender, magic bullet, whatever

result: divine

Takes under ten minutes to prepare from start to finish. Pull everything out of the pantry, blend, roll into balls. Done.

These things taste like fudge. They’re rich and satisfying. Amazing!

My roommate/brother is subject to all my baking experiments and tried one and said, “good.” He chewed for a minute more and said, “Not as good as cakeballs, but better than the other stuff you make.”

No, bro, these are BETTER than cakeballs because while cakeballs have all sorts of poisonous things in them (white flour, sugar, preservatives, things I can’t pronounce, icing with more of the same, coating with even more of the same, reese’s on top with MORE of the same … you get the idea), these have FOUR things in them. FOUR things found in nature (is vanilla extract found in nature?), FOUR things Grok could have eaten, FOUR things that make your body happy and clean (while potentially raising your blood sugar).

I digress. I think these are the PERFECT solution to holiday dessert woes–just serve ‘em up with all the other desserts and see if anyone can even tell they’re different. I mean, they’ll obviously KNOW they’re different, but I don’t think anyone would consider these “weird health food.”

And hit up Chocolate-Covered Katie for variations … or sub in any combo of nuts and other fun raw ingredients!